Today marks the 18th year of my big brother, Shell, passing. I can't believe it has been that long. I know that he is always here, looking after me. I miss him so much. I wish he could be here, meeting my children. Getting to be an awesome Uncle to them. There are still days I get mad at him for dying. Isn't that stupid? It's hard to tell my 10 year old self that it's ok. I still remember what I told my mother the night before he died. I was mad at him for picking on me (that's what big brothers do) and I said to her, "Mom, I wish Shell would hurry up and die already." He died about 12 hours later. I know I didn't mean it. But I was 10, and a brat and upset that he hurt my feelings. We knew he would die some day. Being gay and having HIV, we knew that day would come. I was being selfish and just a brat. Now I wish I could take it all back. I know that I wished that the moment I said it out loud. But I know that he isn't mad at me for that. I know that he is happy in the after life. I know that he has accepted the work that has been done for him. And I also know that he is always looking after me. Is always with me. No matter what he did in this life, no matter what kind of person he was, no matter what memories other family members have of him (the good and the bad); Shell will always be my big brother. The one that showed love to me and wanted to be with me. He was my best friend. He still is.
Shell, I can't wait to be able to give you a big hug and tell you that I love you.
I miss you!
3 comments:
What a nice tribute to your brother. He was quite a bit older than you. Thanks goodness for the knowledge of the plan of salvation huh?
Thank you for sharing this. Love the slide show.
Oh darling, I've been gone and feel like I haven't heard from you in a looong time. This is very sweet. Makes me feel even more grateful for the knowledge we have that families are forever. I'm sure, like you, that he is looking after you. Hope you had a wonderful holiday season and an amazing new year.
What a sweet tribute to your brother. So glad that you know in your heart that he is watching over you & is still a part of your family.
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