Shell Scott 1964-1994

Today is the anniversary of Shell's death. It was about this time that I walked into my room where he was sleeping, to get ready for school, only to find my brother dead. It's been 17 years since that terrible morning. You would think that after all that time, I would be "healed". But can anyone ever really recover from something like that? Thinking about all the good that came from that day, it's amazing that I didn't go the other way. I mean, I was 10 years old when I walked into a cold, dark, death room where my brother lay. That could have really done something bad to me. Instead, it got me asking about God and heaven. It got me to ask why we didn't go to church anymore or how come I was never baptized. It made me seek out the Church my parents and brothers joined almost 30 years ago in 1994/1995. It got me to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. All because my brother died. That's not always how that goes.
There are still days I get mad at him for dieing. For not being here to put the stamp of approval on Steve. Or meeting his nephew's and niece. For not being able to visit me or spend holidays together. I sometimes get jealous of all the time my parents and other brother got to spend with Shell. He was 19 when I was born and 29 when he died. That's only 10 years. 10 very short years. And then, my mom didn't tell me about the truth of Shell until I was 7 or 8. Shell was gay and had HIV. I remember the day she told me that. I remember writing a card to tell him that I knew and that I would always love him no matter what. He sent me a card back saying thank you and I love you too.
I know he's been watching me since he has past. I know that he is happy with the work that we have done for him and all that I have done in my life. I just wish I still had my brother here on Earth. I can't wait to see him again and get to tell him all about this life that he help create on the day he died. God has a wonderful plan, but sometimes I really hate that it meant having to loss my brother so I could have true happiness now.
So, here's to you Shell. Know that you are still loved. That you are missed. And that I'll be thinking about you today! I love you!