How Do I Make it Clear?

Attention Everyone:

Mom needs to get a social life outside of home! And kids need to get out and play with others!!

I'm not a social butterfly. I used to be outgoing and could talk to anyone, then somethings happened and well, I went into a shell. It's hard for me to open up and go outside this shell and make new friends. It's super hard for me to just talk to someone new in church. Even if I'm sitting right next to them. And it's really hard for a stay-at-home mom with no money to get her kids out and socialized. (How sad is that? That my only social activity is church??)

Now I know my kids are all sick with a cold at the moment, but they aren't always. But still, no invites to playdates or birthday parties or just to come over and play. I can deal with myself being left out and all, but it's something else when your child is being left out. I just don't get it. I think our kids are doing well and making friends. We try to make it to playdates sponsored by the Relief Society. It's hard to get going in the morning being pregnant, no car because husband is at work, dressed and feed before noon sometimes. We're lucky if we make it to church on time, and that's at 1 p.m.! They love going to Nursery and Sunbeams. I haven't heard of them being mean or rude. I thought they were making friends. Guess I was wrong.

I know what you're thinking, why not invite people over to my house. Well, I'm just not ready for that yet. I can handle my kids, but to handle my own 3 kids, and then who knows how many other kids, I'm not so sure I can do that. We don't have any snack food here. Just bread, cheese, and some veggies. We're trying to cut down on the snacking here. The kids room is a mess (being meaning to clean it up, but just haven't been able to), my house just doesn't feel "clean" enough to have company over. And I'd much rather have kids over while Steve is home. And that's hit and miss, and we don't know his schedule that far in advance. And we're tried to invite people over for some fun games and just hang out. The only people that will come over are not from our ward, and they just had a baby. So going out is not something they are up to right now. All our other friends have graduated and moved on and out of Logan. And with how our money situation is, I can't really afford to "go out" with the girls. No movies, no dinner, no nothing.

This isn't a, "i'm begging for more social activities and please take pity on me and invite me because you feel sorry for me or for my kids" blog. This is just sharing my feelings of being left out, and maybe by posting this very personal blog for everyone to see, I'll do more to get out there. And maybe, soon, I'll feel like having a playdate of my own. If Jake and Zoe want one.

It's just hard to be going to church and hearing off all the fun things people are doing together, and knowing that we weren't even thought of. Or to hear that we, as sisters, need to be outgoing and do things together, and knowing that I'm being left out. Am I really that hard of a person to get a long with? I know feeling sorry for myself isn't going to help, but I'm a little emotional right now and can't really help but feel what I'm feeling. And I'm not the type of person to just let it sit. I've tried that, and well, that didn't get anything done. And I didn't feel better. I'm just the type of person to just say it, get it out in the open and move on. That's how I deal with things. Maybe this is the wrong way to share this, but who am I going to talk to?? I just have three kids and husband that already know how I'm feeling.

Sorry if you feel like you this an attack on anyone. It's not. I know I've said that Utah hasn't been my favorite place to live in. And if that's offended you, sorry. Utah is a very strange place in this world, and not everyone fits here. And we just don't fit here. But that doesn't mean that we aren't looking for some friendships. And that doesn't mean that we hate everything about Utah. But, if you moved to a strange place, somewhere you said you would never ever live, and tired your hardest to fit in, or make some new friends, and you failed time and time again. You wouldn't have good feelings about that place. Now would you?

I've tried to reach out and make friends. Not just for me, but for my kids. I really have tried. But for some reason, and I can't figure out why, I have failed. We have failed. I don't want my kids to feel left out and losers. It's not a very fun feeling to have. Major issues can stem from that. As you can see, I've had that problem too as a child, a teen and now as an adult and mother. It's hard to change when it feels like people have already painted you into that corner.