Shell Scott Higley

Today, 14 years ago, around 4:15 in the morning, my brother, Shell Scott Higley, passed away. Shell was born on November 13th, 1964. He was 29 when he died. Shell was the coolest brother ever! I loved him very much! I still love and miss him everyday. It's hard to believe that it has been 14 years since he died. I was only 10 years old. Shell lived a hard life. From the time he was a child, he knew that he was gay. He tried to fight it or hide it as he got older, but he finally came out when he was in college. It was in college, that he was infected with HIV. And that is what killed him in the end. But he had a peaceful death. It was our last Christmas together as a family. Shell was there, and so was Duane, my other brother, and his family. Duane only had two sons at the time, Chase and Ty. They were 4 and 2 years old.  We spent almost a week together as a whole family. Then Duane and family went back home, and Shell stayed for a while longer. On the day that he was to go back to Spokane he died in his sleep. Shell was planning on moving back home with us. He was not having a good time in Spokane and asked our parents if he could come live with us for a while. Shell was more than welcomed. In fact, my father was going to go back up with Shell to help him pack and move him back down to Soap Lake (that's where we were living at the time). But the Lord had other plans for him. Shell had been sick with the flu for a while. He also had stopped taking his meds for HIV. All these lead to his death. I believe Shell was ready to die. It had be probably about 12 years since he contracted HIV, and he was done. Done with not fitting in, done with not being loved by a lover, done with being judged. Just done. That's the hardest thing for me. But what can we do about it now? I try to remember the good things about him. Shell was very artistic and loved to draw and write poems. We were always very close and had a wonderful relationship. He was a caring person who tried very hard to make others feel loved and happy. Shell loved Batman. Everything about Batman. He collected comic books and willed them to me in hopes that I would sell them off to help pay for college. I still have them. I don't know if I could ever get rid of them. Shell actually willed everything to me. But I let my mother keep most of the stuff for now. I can have them when she is gone. She deserves to have them longer than I do. I learned a lot from him. In 1996, when my parents went through the Temple for their endowments and to be sealed, we had Shell's work done too. My parents and brothers joined the Church in the late 70's, but my parents never went to the Temple. You see, if Shell had never died, I would have never asked the questions about what church we belong to, or is there a Heaven. That's when I found out we were Mormon. So, after we moved to Sunnyside, I was baptized. That was in 1995. Just over a year and half after Shell died. Then the following year, my parents went to the Seattle Temple and were sealed. Shell and I were also sealed to them. Duane was not an active member at the time, and we have yet to get him sealed to my parents. I remember after we were sealed as a family, the man who was the proxy for Shell, came up to us and told us he felt impressed to say "Thank you". From reading Shell's journals, I know that he always felt close God and wanted to do these things, but he couldn't get over the one thing that was holding him back. I know that he would proud of me. I know that he would have been an awesome uncle to my children. I know that if he were still alive I would have a best friend I could turn to for anything. It's hard to remember him and what he looked like and acted like when it was me that found him. I can still see him clear as day on the bed. That's not something I would like to remember. But I guess that is something I'll have to live with. I try to remember the good times. The smiling faces, the things we did together. I remember he took me to the zoo when I was younger. And I had to go pee really bad, and there was this really long line. I had to wait forever. By the time I got out, Shell was in a near state of panic. Or the time we went to the mall for pictures with Santa Clause, but Santa was Duane that year. So we have this picture of me, Shell and Duane as Santa Clause. Or the day we moved into our apartment in Soap Lake, it just happened to be my 10th birthday.  Shell came all the way down from Spokane and brought me a cake and present and helped make that day a special one for me. Or our last Christmas together. Shell came like a week before Christmas and we spent that time baking cookies and candy and just doing fun holiday stuff. One of my most remember phrase (probably because he said it a lot to me) was "digging for gold?" whenever he would catch me picking my nose. I remember he loved cats. And had this all black cat that was just always on the go. His name was Taz, short for Tasmanian devil. Shell was apart of Meals on Wheels and would deliver meals to the elderly or other patients that couldn't cook for themselves. He would often spend a few minutes with them and chat for a bit. We never had a funeral for him. He was cremated and his ashes spread on Mt. Hood on the first day of spring. That was his favorite place in the whole world. Probably because that's where he felt the closest to God. But his friends held a wake for him. We were invited. That day, we learned so much more about him. Most of his friends were disowned from their families because of their sexual orientation. Shell would share ever moment with them about his time he spent with us. Many of them came up to us that day and said we were like their family and they would miss us dearly. Even though that was the first time we had ever met them. I miss my brother very much. He would have been 43 years old. So much has happened in my life I wish that he could have been apart of. I feel cheated that I only got to spend a very short 10 years with him. He graduated from high school a year before I was born, so it's really even less than 10 years. But the memories that I do have of him are wonderful. I try not to forget him, but it's hard. He's been dead longer than he was alive with me. I love you Shell. I hope that you are looking down on me and are proud. I love you!